Unlike a few years ago, infertility is not a taboo topic anymore. We hear about celebrities who struggled with this issue, we read about surrogate mother option, we listen to studies’ conclusions and then the main idea is shouted out load: “women are more infertile than ever.”
Although infertility is not, indeed, a taboo topic anymore, the way it is approached nowadays has many, many flaws.
I will list some of them below in an attempt to raise awareness on the true face of infertility, the dangers when discussing it too superficial and also as a message for all the women out there who have a child, want to have a child, don’t want to have a child or can’t have a child anymore.
The silent “war” between mothers, wanna-be mothers and women who don’t want or can’t have children
Our parents did everything possible to give us a good education, love and also to provide food, clothes and all the necessities. Of course, all this process had some flaws, like any generation will have. No one claimed statues for being a parent and, of course, not having Social Media helped a lot with that.
Now, we are like an entirely “mother era” thing with a lot of “proud mothers”, telling their stories, giving advice, posting each and every day about them and especially how beautiful, blissful and blessed this “gift of life – motherhood” is.
All this wouldn’t be a problem if it would have some healthy boundaries. Because being a mother nowadays almost instantly opposes to “not being (yet) a mother” or to “trying to have a child and not being able to”.
Mothers feel entitled to look down on the other women, to feel sorry for them, or even to judge them.
On the other hand, “wanna-be mothers” live in the shadow of their frustrations, fueled by the family, doctor’s treatments (which can be mind blowing for a woman’s body) and by the opinion of “blessed mothers” expressed all over the internet. I repeat myself; this wouldn’t be a problem if such attitude wouldn’t come with this idea of “only special, blessed women become mothers”.
And, of course, there are also women who just don’t want to be a mother or can’t be a mother after a serious medical problem. They have only one option: not to care and to follow their path without looking around. Otherwise, all this “trend” will eat them alive.
It’s a shame this separation happens. We are all women and we should all stand by each other.
Cherishing, protecting and helping mothers.
Encouraging and being tender with wanna-be mothers.
Respecting and learning from women whose road might be different.
Is it really so hard to accept that all the above women are great and valuable?
We all talk about infertility, but NOT about infertility causes
INFERTILITY IS NOT A DISEASE!
Infertility has so many causes. Yet, when we talk about infertility – in articles, commercials, studies etc. – we sweep these causes under the rug.
In my opinion, THIS IS THE MAIN CAUSE OF INFERTILITY: that we don’t talk about its causes.
We don’t understand why they appear, we don’t inform teenagers, young women about them, we don’t educate and form doctors in these fields, because patients are sent too late to specialized doctors etc.
The problem here is that hospitals, brands and even people who could make a difference, don’t find these causes “sexy, saleable, attractive”.
You know, it is so empowering to say “I was infertile, but I fought, and I endured and here it is… God heard my wish: now I have a child”.
But it is not sexy at all to say: “I was diagnosed with endometriosis/polycystic ovarian syndrome/hypothyroidism/blocked fallopian tubes/ etc., I had wrong treatments for years, I went through x surgeries, had to come through hard treatments and now, here I am… being a mother, but want to tell my story in order for other women to know the whole picture.”
The real problem here is we do not address the real, most frequent causes of infertility. We fail to diagnose, treat and talk about them. Therefore, we perpetuate infertility.
How about we could preserve fertility and consider other ways of having a child?
This is, in fact, another issue that derives from the second aspect stated above. Not talking and not knowing so much about infertility causes also “translates” in not knowing how we can preserve fertility.
In some cases, the cryopreservation of oocytes could be the solution (in some diseases and also for “career women”), in other situation surgery could help in obtaining a pregnancy, in some other cases diet and some pills could also be helpful.
There are so many scenarios and solutions, because, in fact all these relate to the cause of infertility.
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Infertility is now a feminine gender word, but it shouldn’t
When we say “infertility” we practically think something is wrong with…t he woman.
Yet, studies and doctors say one-third of infertility cases are by male reproductive issues, one-third by female reproductive issues and one-third by both male and female reproductive problems.
So…we don’t have a “winner” here.
Of course, it is not a contest, but every time a couple starts to run tests the woman is “in the spotlight” and, sometimes, the man does not even go to the doctor with her.
Lifestyle factors that could lead to infertility – “a double edge weapon”
I read the other day a Facebook post where an ART (Artificial Reproductive Techniques) doctor approached the topic of how well-educated women didn’t know fertility tends to decrease with age, how we, as society, should encourage even college women to give birth sooner, how family should be more involved in raising children, especially when parents are young etc.
I completely agree with the doctor. This is also something “we don’t say about infertility”.
Yet, the way we address it might be harmful.
A woman has dreams, plans, milestones – and it is ok for those plans not to be around children and family.
Stating a woman should give birth around 18-25 years old, no matter the circumstances, or scolding her for waiting till 38 it is again, a problem.
Would you do that with a man too?
Why not telling her about her health, about health risks, about ways in which she could be more educated in this field, how she could, again, preserve her fertility longer?
Here, we return again to the causes of infertility or to the ways a woman could preserve her fertility.
If she has, let’s say, endometriosis, send her to a specialist, present her details about diet, birth control pills, revolutionary treatments etc. etc.
In case the woman has great ambitions, doctors (and not only gynecologists) should talk to her about egg freezing option.
If a woman is just afraid of having a child at +35 years old send her to a psychologist or present her the surrogate mother option.
A woman’s value is not given by her ability of giving birth
Maybe I should have started with that. We live in 2023. It is ok to have ten kids, as it is ok to have just one. Or it is ok to try to have kids and do whatever it takes to have them. As it is also ok not wanting or not being able to have children.
A person’s value, no matter the gender, is not given by his or her ability or desire to have children.
Character, the way he/she talks, thinks, behaves with himself/herself and to others should matter most in this thing called “a human being’ value”.
If we will not state that louder enough , especially around someone who struggles to have a child, we will end up separating things and yes, making all this a great, pointless contest.
It will not be about love, family, the perpetuation of the species anymore, but only about our ego, as mortals.
Do/Did you struggle with infertility? What was the most painful thing and how did you overcome it? What people didn’t tell you about infertility but it could have been useful to know in your journey?
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